Those of you who know me will know that I have loved and lived the experience of falling for unavailable people all my teenage years and arguably since I was brought into this world. I have tackled this topic with blood, sweat and tears and after an extensive amount of introspection and therapy, I am excited to tell you a bit about how to stop falling for unavailable people.
First things first, who is the unavailable person?
If you are wondering whether this person is ‘unavailable’, chances are they come with a lot of inconsistency. They want you one moment and the next, you feel as if you don’t exist to them. You feel as though you connect so well, but when you aren’t talking, there is no security in the space you have to yourself. This connection may be superficial, though. You might be able to talk for hours, but the minute the topic of emotions or commitment comes up, the conversation is quickly shut down.
You may cling to the hope that they respond, and when they do, it may be exhilarating (at the cost of you clawing for validation). This can be extremely difficult for my empaths, people pleasers, and savior complexes. We know and can sense that this behaviour may come from a place of hurt. And the tendency is, most of the time, to fix it. You must realise that this comes from a place of hurt also. If you continue to hold space for this unavailable person, you are denying the available one of this space simultaneously. To them, you are the unavailable one.
Just because you can see the beauty in everyone, doesn’t mean that everyone should be in your life.
Stephanie Lyn
Emotional unavailability does come from trauma, yes, but this does not mean that you, or the person you are attracted to, have an excuse to not deal with these wounds. It is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
Why do you fall for them?
I mentioned that these unavailable tendencies may come from a place of hurt. This can be from how we were brought up.
The way that we love as adults is a reflection and deeply connected to the way that we learnt about love as children. The problem with this, is that the way that we learnt about love as children is likely to have been a bit problematic.
Alain de Botton
We search and long for the person who feels familiar. The person who is going to make us suffer in the way that we have learned to suffer – the person who is going to make us unhappy in the way that we have learned to expect love to make us unhappy.
This suffering may be severe, in some cases more than others. The dangerous thought is that, on some level, we believe that we deserve it.
How to break the cycle
So, how do we break this cycle?
Recognise your tendencies. Do you tend to give to the taker? Are you comfortable with taking from the giver? You can analyse this further by understanding your attachment style.
Recognise if this is coming from a place of low self-worth. Do you tend to let people overstep your boundaries in the hopes that they will eventually love you enough?
Recognise your self-sabotaging behaviours. You may sabotage a situation when you put the other person on a pedestal and assume that they will treat you badly. This is where a self-fulfilling prophecy may come into play when the other person feels they are unable to reason with your accusations or expectations. A clear sign of this is when you eventually realise that they do not deserve to be on this pedestal in the first place.
Dig deep. If you do not recognise these wounds, you are never going to change, and the cycle will continue.
List your non-negotiables
Realise that you come first. If you do not realise that you come first, you will consistently attract people that are okay with not putting you first.
Make a note of the things that you absolutely will not tolerate, whether that is if the other person takes responsibility for themselves, is honest, respectful, ambitious. Delve in. This is not about preferences about pineapple on pizza. Understand what you deserve as if you were talking to a friend. And, for the love of God, do not make exceptions.
Listen to your friends
If you find that you avoid talking with your friends about this person because you are afraid of what they might say, you are probably right. As long as they love you, your friends and family can see the things you may be blinded by in the moment. Listen to this. You can save yourself the hurt, or you can learn the hard way.
Date the boring person
What’s new and healthy and good for you, like vegetables, can sometimes feel boring. The matter of falling in love as a legitimate behaviour is drilled into us by our environment. In books, movies, songs, even the stories our friends and family tell us. “Falling” without control and being “crazy” about someone, feels exciting! It feels like love! In reality, the extreme lows that seem to be followed by extreme highs might actually just be the thrill of receiving the bare minimum.
Often, when we meet a healthy and stable person, we might feel as if we are missing something. Chemistry, the spark, or familiarity. I am not saying date the “nice” guy, gal, or person. Just because someone is obsessed with you and will not leave you alone does not mean they are the right person for you. But a healthy relationship actually consists of an excessive amount of calm. It is not as exciting as waiting for a text back all day just to feel the rush when they finally have the time to ask: “wat u up to xo”.
By dating the ‘boring’ person and giving yourself this new love experience, you can rewire your brain to understand love as something more than this. Even if it doesn’t work out, revel in what you deserve.
Real love is possible
Remember, real love is possible. If you are consistently attracted to the person that is not validating you, you are the only person that can do something about it. Identifying the unavailable person will not fix your problems, you must identify what it is in yourself that makes you attracted to them so that you can stop falling for them.
You will realise that your fairy tale ending does not come when you finally manage to change the other person, but when you change yourself.
Thank you so much for making it to the end. I thrive off the idea that I have helped, so if you have a spare moment, please feel free to comment or dm me about whether this has meant something to you. If you think this may help someone else, the share buttons are just below on the screen. Love you all. Angie.
loved this xx