Anxiety: Asking your friends to hang out

In coming up with topics to put on this blog I asked my friend what they have found themselves really struggling with recently. 

“I have bad anxiety about asking my friends if they want to hang out.” They said, “I tend to wait for them to ask me because I don’t want to bother them“

And rather than giving them the week-long perfected advice that I am about to give you, I couldn’t think of anything else to say but “same”. It made me think to myself 1. that I am a bad friend, and 2. that this might not be a problem that only affects me and my friend, but it affects a lot more people too, and for the sake of my career, I need to wrap my head around it. So, the first thing I now realise I should have asked them and I now ask you, is: WHY?

Why do you think you are bothering your friends?

When I asked myself this question, the conversation went a little like this:

• Why do you think you are bothering your friends?
• Well, because they probably don’t want to hear from me.
• Why would they not want to hear from you?
• Because, maybe I’m annoying them?
• What makes you think you are annoying them?
• Because I’m bothering them!
• Okay, by what about you bothering them would make you annoying?

If you’re anything like me, the answer usually boils down to: “I am not fun”, “I don’t want them to think I am dependent on them”, or “I am not worthy of their time”

Whatever it is, there is an underlying belief here that is completely irrational! 

First – tackle the lack of self worth

If you do not believe that you are worth spending time with, then no amount of minutes, hours, and days with your friends will encourage you that you are. This is your belief, therefore, it can only be altered by you.  

Some tactics that I tend to find helpful in tackling my declining sense of self-worth are to write a list about even just some of the things I like about myself. You can start with 3 or 5, and rather than trying to make a list as long as you can, focus on these 3 or 5 things that you truly value in yourself. You do not need other people to validate these for you. They are yours.  

Other than this you absolutely must practice some self-care. I don’t mean cucumber water or jade roller, unless that’s your style. But just have a shower, drink from the tap if you must to get a little hydrated, and rest for a moment without your phone or TV screen. And if that doesn’t help, sit in your sadness long enough until it hurts too much you have absolutely no choice but to do something about it. I’ll be the first to admit the other two options sound a hell of a lot nicer.

Being dependent on others

In terms of being dependent on others, remember that we are all a little dependent on each other. We are humans! Connection is what keeps us alive and thriving. It is okay to want to hang out with your friends. And try to remember, if they truly ever make you feel otherwise, it might be time to find new friends! 

No fun?

And FUN, well, if your think you are no fun, you’re not helping your case much by sitting at home and feeling sad about it. 

What now?

Alright so, we’ve done our self-loathing, hopefully feeling a little bit better, maybe we are cool to hang out with… What do we do now?  

Reach out! 

Ask your friends how they are. Ask them when they are free. Make plans for your newly self-worthed up self and invite them to tag along! Tell them you miss them! Literally ASK THEM IF THEY WANT TO HANG OUT!! 

Final note

And lastly, don’t forget to consider the things that you like to do. Try to avoid doing things you do not enjoy simply for the sake of being with people that make you feel less lonely for a short amount of time. It is perfectly fine to do things that others like sometimes. You never know! You might find a new passion, and it is always (most of the time) good to get out of your comfort zone. But try not to do this at the cost of your own precious time and energy!

If you would like to read more about why it’s your job to reach out first, stay tuned over the next few weeks.